the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
