i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
