well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
