I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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