My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
