yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
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I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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