he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
