I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
