Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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