I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
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He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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