I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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