He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
