Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
