forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
