Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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