Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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