they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
sarcasm needs its own font
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
