THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
