Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
