I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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