Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
