what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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