You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
