How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
