Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
