Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
