I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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