I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
