i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
