He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
