I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
