i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
