Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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