My Higher Power is John Stamos
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She has the best kind of daddy issues
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
