dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
its liver damage thursday
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
