Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
