I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
