On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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