every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
