did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
