He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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