So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
