Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
