Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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