Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
