Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
