they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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