'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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