Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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