Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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