i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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