hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
last night I used snow as a chaser
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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