Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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