this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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