My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
