I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
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There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
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Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The Olympian is in my bed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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