1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
