Please, let me fuck your mom
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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