apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dicks are not precious.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
