I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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