Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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