Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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