Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
